“How Do I Help My Daughter Be Resilient?”

Q:

My 16-year-old daughter has always been the type to worry. It’s not anxiety, per se, but while her siblings and peers seem to be able to process difficult information and move on, it’s not so easy with her. Most of the time she’s totally fine, but with Covid, for example, I noticed that if she was around people who were extra tense and speaking about it nonstop, she would also tense up, worry, ask me questions, and share her concerns about what she heard, even days or weeks later.

Now, with the horrible matzav in Eretz Yisrael, she’s reacting the same way. I don’t want to say she’s too worried about the war — it’s an extremely worrisome topic — but she’s not sleeping well, she’s having a hard time focusing on schoolwork or friends, and it seems to be the only thing she can talk about. I want her to be nosei b’ol, but how do I make sure she is resilient also?

A:

Your question is one that many of us are dealing with, on many different levels and with many variations. I will try to answer from a chinuch standpoint with therapeutic sensitivity, but not as a therapist, as I am not one.

Firstly, regarding your daughter: It is imperative that you and she both understand that anxiety is normal, worrying is normal. Different people have different dispositions. You have noticed that among your children there are a variety of tendencies and different levels of sensitivities. As parents, we must listen to, understand, guide, and encourage our children through the circumstances that arise in life, each child according to his or her personality and character. Some children will require more attention, others more discussion, and still others more independence.

As parents, we have one opportunity that is greater than all the others we’ve just mentioned: We can “empower” our children. Empowering our children means enabling them manage difficulty, accomplish things on their own, and build resilience.

Fear is an instinct that Hashem put in our system as tool for self-preservation. People who have no fear are often in unnecessary danger. When a child is afraid, we need to validate his feelings. Help him understand why we experience fear and discuss with him the details of his fear. Ask him questions like: What would help you feel less afraid? Did you ever feel afraid before? What happened? What would you like to do about this situation? What can we do about this situation?