Wedding Woes

Illustrations by Esti Friedman Saposh

Navigating the shidduch system is like rowing across the Atlantic in a leaky kayak, and mazal tov, you’ve reached the other side safely! Only to realize you landed on a desert island absolutely infested with mothers-in-law. Unless, of course, you’re a boy, in which case you have no worries whatsoever. Simchah-goers submit their questions.

Mazel tov! I’m engaged! My chassan is totally perfect. He’s a real baal middos, a baal kishron, and a yerei Shamayim, he treats his mother like a queen, and he sends me flowers every Shabbos. I’m so lucky! There is one little thing… we don’t text, of course, but I noticed he was texting his friend Sruly about an apartment that might be good for us, and he wrote “ganna discuss w da kalla.” GANNA? W? DA? I’m not sure our relationship can withstand this stress. What else do I not know about him? What if he claps when the plane lands? What if he says SUPPOSEBLY? What if he returns empty orange juice cartons to the fridge and then when I want orange juice there won’t be any left???

Relax. As a future wife, it behooves you to realize that there is very little you cannot control in your husband’s life (a Two Cents of its own, if we’re being honest). In this scenario, it’s easier than you think. Ask to borrow his phone so you can put your birthday in his calendar — but actually find his text shortcuts and input a few of your own. You can auto-change “ganna” to “going to,” “w” to “with,” your name to “perfect wife whom I could never get annoyed at” — you get the picture. For future problems, we highly recommend nagging. Luckily this is probably the biggest disagreement you’ll need to overcome. Drive off into the sunset and enjoy wedded bliss forever.

My mother-in-law just called me to ask if I minded handling booking the hair and makeup for our side for my brother-in-law’s wedding, and I’m thrilled to help. Except she didn’t give me a budget and hasn’t really said anything about reimbursing me for the deposits I gave to @hairbyindependentlywealthybusinesswoman and @rakingitinMUA, which amounted to $5,000 to each vendor for four faces/heads. How do I remind her that we can’t really afford to be out $10,000 on our kollel budget?