“Marriage is about moving from the ‘me’ to the ‘we.’ We don’t sacrifice for each other. We sacrifice for both of us”
I always learned how important it is to make your husband’s learning a priority, and to sacrifice the trivialities of materialism for the ultimate sechar.
While I understand that each person has her own guidelines as to what constitutes sacrifice for her, after two years of marriage I’m still struggling with the whole idea of sacrifice in principle. I’ve heard shiurim saying that we shouldn’t look at prioritizing our husband’s learning as a sacrifice, but as a privilege, and other shiurim saying that the more you can give up for your husband’s learning, the more you both will appreciate it.
If I feel like I’m sacrificing because my husband is rarely home, especially now that we’ve just had a baby, then should I pat myself on the back for how much mesirus nefesh I have for learning, or start changing the status quo so that it feels like a privilege, not a burden?
The idea of mesirus nefesh — sacrifice — in general and in marriage, can certainly be perplexing and confusing. But there’s an important reframing here that needs to be shared. This dilemma is not about lost seminary ideals, but about understanding the fundamentals of marriage.
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