W
hat’s the difference between a not-nice person and a bully? If one nine-year-old calls another nine-year-old names every time he enters the schoolyard, is the first one a “bully”? Or is he just “not nice”? Should we think of him as “mean” or as “abusive”? Or should we not categorize him at all? Maybe this little guy is really nice to his own friends and simply behaves badly toward this one classmate. And maybe he behaves badly toward this one classmate because this one classmate has made his life miserable — it’s really hard to know just by watching this narrow slice of life.
Even a “bully” or an “abuser” is a full human being with different sides to his or her personality. Human beings are not one dimensional and cannot be summed up in one word. However, we can certainly say that one person is bullying or abusing another in a given instance.
If we use these words as verbs (actions), they can describe something about a moment in time. Without understanding motivation or the bigger picture, it’s still possible to describe the abusive dynamic: someone abuses or bullies another when he engages in an abuse of power. That is, a 12-year-old who, in anger, physically pins down a 5-year-old, is abusing his power. The two parties are not equal in physical size or strength. A husband who denies his wife access to the money he earns is abusing his financial power. A teacher who humiliates a child he doesn’t like is abusing the power of his authority.
The word “abuse” is short for the phrase “abuse of power.” In order for an action to be considered abusive, there needs to be a power differential. Otherwise, the action is simply “not-nice.” For instance, a 12-year-old who insults his 11-year-old brother is not abusing him when there is no physical intimidation or assault; he is just acting in a very not-nice way. Not-nice behavior will cause pain but it is not an abuse of any kind of power.
