Q

In a recent article, you reviewed a book about a woman who describes her husband as a wonderful man. He happened to also have severe anger management issues. You explained that people and marriages are complicated and in a lifelong marriage one accepts the difficulties along with the positive qualities. My question to you is: At which point does negative behavior become so unacceptable as to warrant the breakup of a lifelong marriage? At which point (if ever) do we stop excusing it as merely part of normal ebb and flow of relationships and end it?

A

Let’s start with the simple, straightforward answer: When determining if a bad marriage is divorce-worthy, we need to consult a rav. It’s Hashem Who determines when marriages should be disbanded. If it were up to us, the divorce rate in the community would be the same as it is in the secular world— around 60 percent.

People who look at marriage solely from the point of view of whether or not they’re “in love,” “compatible,” or “happy,” will not generally be able to sustain a lifelong marriage. After all, people change over the course of a lifetime, and even to begin with, they have faults and difficult personalities. It’s hard to continuously like and love another person, particularly when the years have seen an accumulation of misunderstandings, struggles, disappointments, frustrations, and painful wounds.

Marital commitment requires seeing the bigger picture, way beyond how much we like our spouse. The concept of building a bayis ne’eman b’Yisrael includes a spiritual dimension to the relationship that is larger than the couple itself. A marriage is worth fighting for because it holds not only a man and wife, but also their children, their people, their way of life, and their Creator. Because of the enormity of the project called marriage, committed partners work throughout their lives to learn to tolerate each other, accept each other, appreciate each other, enjoy each other and, ultimately, love each other.

Having said this, it’s a sad fact that not all marriages can or should endure. Although consultation with the rav is necessary in every case, we do know that divorce is a solution for marriages characterized by abuse of various kinds.