Why Are You Helping?

Read the following scenarios and carefully consider your answers:

• Four-year-old Yeudi has trouble getting his snow pants on. Should Mom help him or let him struggle on his own?
• Nine-year-old Naftali forgot his lunch at home yet again. Should Mom bring it to school for him?
• Twelve-year-old Shoshana struggles to wake up in the morning. How many times should Mom come to help her get out of bed?
• Sixteen-year-old Masha needs to make an appointment to have her hair cut. Assuming they both have time to make the call who should do it — Mom or Masha?
• Twenty-eight-year old Yechiel constantly loses his keys. When he is in a rush in the morning should his wife interrupt her morning responsibilities with the children to help him find his keys?
• Thirty-six-year-old Ruthie doesn’t like to attend medical appointments on her own. Should her husband interrupt his daily schedule to go with her?

To Help or Not to Help

It is often hard to know when to help how much to help and when to not help at all. When is a person being kind to herself and when is she being kind to the one who needs her help?

Let’s imagine that Naftali’s mother is Shifra. Shifra is a “helper.” When Naftali forgets his lunch Shifra is happy to bring it to him. She has chosen to be a stay-at-home mother for just this sort of reason: to be available when her kids need her.

Let’s imagine another scenario. In this one Naftali’s mother is Adina. Adina is a worrier. When Naftali forgets his lunch Adina worries that he’ll be hungry and then she worries that he won’t be able to learn well in the afternoon. She interrupts her schedule during the day to bring him his lunch. It’s worth it for her — she’s afraid of the consequences of letting him go without food.

Now let’s imagine that Naftali’s mother is Ilana. Ilana’s middle name is “guilt.” She brings Naftali his lunch not because she wants to but because she would feel like a bad mother if she didn’t. She knows that good mothers don’t let their children starve. She resents Naftali for constantly forgetting to take his lunch but she feel she has no choice but to save him from himself. Even if it makes her feel stressed overwhelmed or exhausted she just can’t say “no.”