The Icks Fixed

The number one issue in my house is not chutzpah, not ignoring parents when they call your name, and not dirty clothes on the floor. It’s when people leave a washing cup in the sink, and then the next person doesn’t look and pours their leftover milk into the half-full washing cup, which is now also sporting some floater Cheerios. Should I move out?

That’s certainly one solution. Might we suggest attaching the cup to a bungee cord suspended from the ceiling so it automatically recoils after a wash? Works every time, except when your ten-year-old conducts an in-depth analysis to calculate trajectory and force required to absolutely soak his brother from an uncatchable distance.

Tell me why it’s okay to play voice notes out loud? Also included in this peeve: replaying the voice note you just recorded out loud so you can revel in the sound of your own voice.

We’re with you. Is complete silence at random but very specific times in our day too much to ask for? We didn’t think so, but here we are. The only solution we’ve found is to wear noise canceling AirPods with noise canceling headphones over them. It’s not pretty, but it also does not work. Sorry.

My children are smashingly good at asking me for the food I’m about to take the first (or last) bite of. Also included on this list? The drink I’m about to take the first (or last) sip of. Why?

This is the child tax. Have you been tasting the first bite of their grilled cheese to make sure it’s not poison? That’s the parent tax. And taxes, we’ve heard, are one of the only sure things in life, so go on living and pay up.

My 11-year-old twins have a new shtick. They beg for things they know I am going to unequivocally say no to, with one catch: they only do it when their friends are over. For some reason, they think I will be embarrassed to embarrass them in front of the strangers in my home.

We can tell you’re a good parent, which is how we know you revel in embarrassing them in front of their friends. Carry on.