A Better You: Issue 831

Mindscape

Abby Delouya

How to thrive when your spouse is in a public role

We’re blessed to be part of a culture in which community is paramount, and we share in each other’s simchahs and Rachmana litzlan sorrows. But while this sense of community can provide enormous support, the revolving door of other-centered obligations can feel burdensome at times, and this dynamic is compounded many times over when a spouse has taken on a more active role in the community — be it as a rav, askan, kiruv professional, shadchan, chinuch professional, Hatzolah member, etc.

While spouses of these wonderful individuals (hopefully) cosigned on the community obligations, it can be difficult to balance the intellectual knowledge with the sometimes stressful emotional reality. People in these roles can have unpredictable schedules, can be less available for their own families, and suffer from a lack of privacy. What are some tips to help when things feel tough?

1. Establish boundaries. For example, safeguard 20 minutes a day to connect without phones or other people present, and use this time to discuss emotional topics (as opposed to discussing logistics like carpool/grocery shopping/etc. — those things can be done via text or during noisier times in the day). These 20 minutes can serve as a private space for spouses to check in with each other and find out how they are really doing.
2. Treat yourself. Your spouse may not be able to easily disconnect and go out to eat, on vacation, or even just do something relaxing. Take yourself out, or connect with friends, so you can still enjoy rejuvenating experiences.
3. Find out what you like, and what makes you feel passionate. People who give to the community are usually passionate about their work/impact and that’s what drives them, but you may not be driven by the same passion as your spouse. Find out what motivates you and self-actualize (see jargon decoded below).
4. Remember that the qualities that attracted you to your spouse are probably the same qualities he uses in those roles. Gratitude lists help everything.
5. Connect with others who share your experience. Having friends who share the stressors in your life reduces feelings of isolation and frustration.
6. Find a mentor or therapist. So many people lean on you; create a support network and learn to lean on others.
7. Don’t try to do everything. You probably have less help from your spouse at home, so, when possible, outsource! Cleaning ladies, chesed girls, babysitters, and even simplifying meals/lowering certain standards can ease the burden at home. If you do a lot of hosting, or have an open home, you may need that much help.

Jargon Decoded

Self-Actualization

We throw around this term, but what does it actually mean? Self-actualization, the highest need in Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, is the need to realize one’s full potential. Challenge, experiencing losses and triumphs, and evaluating our needs and personalities in the context of our families and environment, are all part of the process of internal work that leads to self-actualization.

Relationship Reflections

Nice Neighbors

We know having a bad neighbor is horrible, and having good neighbors is a huge brachah (shout-out to my incredible neighbors — especially those who are scared I’ll write about them… here I am, writing about you!). Even if one isn’t blessed with good friends on the block (or surrounded by Jewish neighbors), it’s important to at least keep this relationship neutral.