“I Can’t Take Any More First Dates”

I’m curious to hear your opinion on this matter. I’m a 28-year-old male who over the last seven years has dated more women than I care to count. To say I’m burnt out would be the understatement of the year. I still very much want to get married, but I could do without the whole dating thing. So here’s my question. How do you feel about doing the first date or two on Zoom? I know it’s not ideal, but the prospect of getting dressed up, fighting traffic, paying tons of money, and looking for parking is sometimes enough to get me to say no, unless the suggestion is very compelling. I feel like this would be such an efficient way to weed out the dates that would end up being one and done. What do you think?

So Done

Dear So Done,

I hear you, man. You sound exhausted from what you’ve been through. I have to imagine that seven years in, you’ve probably had some really draining experiences. Even when things go smoothly, your description of what every date entails paints a clear picture of the heavy investment and certainly helps to clarify how frustrating it is when the date goes absolutely nowhere.

You describe a more efficient system that doesn’t require such investment, but, you see, therein lies the problem. This isn’t a business transaction, this is an encounter. And the goal isn’t efficiency, it’s connection. The investment is precisely what is needed to build connection.

Another scenario that is the same but totally different is the coffee date. While a coffee date is different in that the couple is meeting in person, it shares the same quality of less investment. Why should we go to all the trouble of getting dressed up and sitting in an awkward lobby talking about the seminary or yeshivah we went to ten years ago when one cup of Joe might instantly reveal that we’re not meant to be?

It’s a solid question. I get it. I get the burnout. I get the vulnerability each date represents, even though we’re acting all nonchalant about it. I get that each time we go out we take a little piece of our soul with us. And I get that sometimes it just all feels like it’s too much.