Positive change starts with the spouse who’s smart,Debugging the Dynamic,Positive change starts with the spouse who’s smart
“I t’s sad to say but true: I leave work as late as possible. It’s not that I don’t want to see my kids — I do. But as soon as I walk in the door my wife starts barking orders at me: ‘Grab the baby feed this kid do homework with that one.…’ I know there’s a lot to do and it isn’t fair to let it all fall on her but I don’t like coming home. It feels like boot camp.”
What’s wrong with this man?! These are his children and yes they need to be taken care of and no this job doesn’t only belong to his wife. He doesn’t enjoy it? Well guess what? Neither does she but she doesn’t drive off to exercise class at bedtime — she sticks around to do what needs to be done! And when he shows up late (because he’s been taking his sweet time getting home) she lets him know how unhappy she is.
“Yes she lets me know I’m letting her down she’s working so hard she’s the responsible one and I’m the loser and on and on and on. So then I take even longer coming home.”
When Negativity Oversteps
No one likes to be corrected or directed. Even when they need to be corrected or directed they don’t like it. That’s why all forms of correction (criticism complaints lectures negative feedback) and direction (instructions requests commands) are counted in the 20 percent of the 80/20 Rule for parenting (90/10 for teens) and the 5 percent of the marital 95/5 Rule. The good-feeling communications from parent to child or from spouse to spouse comprise the bulk of their interactions. They build and maintain positive relationships. The unpleasant-feeling communications are necessary for task setting boundary setting and education. In small doses they are harmless to the relationship.
