“My Teenage Daughter Is Struggling with Our Reduced Means”

Q:

We were never wealthy, but my husband’s field was badly affected by the economy, and things are tighter than ever right now. We’re struggling to pay bills on time, I had to reduce therapy for two of my children who need it badly, and we’re basically surviving by paying our credit card minimums.

My teenage daughter is taking it hard. She wants all the things her friends have, and when we try to explain the situation in an age-appropriate way, she’s resentful. When I was her age, I did any number of things to earn a little extra money to pay for the things I wanted, but she has absolutely no interest — none of her friends have to do this.

I feel bad for her. I know that with this generation, a lot of the “wants” might really be “needs,” if everyone seems to have them. But even if I had the extra money, I would be paying off credit cards and saving for her wedding, not buying her the boots she wants. How do I explain this to her in a way she’ll accept?

A:

This is a very sensitive question. Our children are growing up in an age of plenty that I think is unparalleled in our history. At the same time, the distribution of that wealth is creating two strata within our society. I am observing, not judging, when I say that the “haves” are spending money so far beyond the means of “don’t-haves” that it clearly exerts pressure on those who have “more but not enough,” and elicits envy in those who do not have at all. Even though the “don’t-haves” of our day have more than most of their great-grandfathers and great-grandmothers could have dreamed of.

Raising happy children means raising children in a happy home. When we are truly okay with what we have, we have a better chance of showing our children that happiness does not come from having more but from being more. How do we speak about wealth? How do we exclaim “Wow!” when we hear or see the extravagance of those who can afford it?

I will dare to say that I have seen young men and women who cause their parents big financial stress by demanding what “everyone” has. However, I will also dare to say that parents, when giving in to those demands, are ultimately responsible for their children’s inability to live within their means.

I am not judging you, and I am not trying to give mussar. Each of us has the responsibility to figure out what we have and how we should spend it. We are prohibited from wasting money that was given to us, and we are forbidden to spend money we do not have.