Why parents snap— and what they can do about it
Today, we’re a bit more honest about things. We’re able to say, “Yeah, I couldn’t take it anymore. I just lost it. Of course, I felt bad about it and apologized to him.” In fact, we’re so good at making this distinction that we now feel really guilty after spewing rage at our little innocent ones (okay, maybe not that innocent, but certainly not deserving of all that fury). We wonder, “What’s wrong with me? I’m always screaming at these kids. Is it because they’re impossible? Or is it because I’m a fail-Mom?”
Our guilt makes our parenting job harder, but doesn’t solve the problem. Yes, we feel bad about ourselves, but that doesn’t lead to lasting change. In fact, it usually doesn’t lead to any change at all. What, with all our knowledge from our parenting books, classes, and courses, is not translating?
Stress tends to close down access to the left prefrontal cortex — the place where all that great parenting information is organized and stored. When enough stress chemicals are released into our bloodstream, we often lose the ability to act on what we know. (“I know he’s a great guy and he loves me, but right now I’m calling him all sorts of names because I really needed that shredded cheese for dinner and he forgot to pick it up and now we don’t have anything for supper!”)
While we know that name-calling is a no-no, we may find ourselves name-calling, insulting or otherwise degrading loved ones when we’re stressed. A quick cure for this brain lapse is to give ourselves a significant fine or consequence each time we go down this path. The association between our unwholesome communication and the subsequent pain can help us keep our lips firmly closed the next time our stress attempts to push them open.
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