A Plan for Chol Hamoed

A Plan for Chol Hamoed

Abby Delouya

Succos brings a new rhythm — a carousel of meals, family time, Chol Hamoed excitement, differently paced schedules, late bedtimes, and traveling. It would be beautiful if everyone had an easy and seamless time during these days, but I’d guess that most people may encounter some of these challenges.

1. Family you don’t always see eye to eye with:

I’m not talking about major family conflict or rifts here. There may be some people in the extended family with whom on any given Sunday BBQ or family simchah, the connection is casual and easy. Yet when in the same close sleeping and eating quarters for three days, there is tension and unpleasantness. How do we manage to keep a friendly relationship and enjoy the Yom Tov together when the chemistry just isn’t there?

1. Prepare before. Practice thinking good things about the person. Try to go into it with a positive attitude. Try to find out what the sleeping arrangements will be so you can be prepared or make changes.
2. Be intentional with both time spent together and apart. Just because the whole family is under one roof doesn’t mean you have to spend endless hours schmoozing and hanging out together.
3. Think about and accept your part in the sticky dynamics. What character defects or personality quirks do you have that might be challenging to this person? Rarely is a difficult dynamic one-sided.

2. Different time with your spouse

We all have expectations and ideas of how Yom Tov might play out. As Brené Brown says, “Expectations are resentments waiting to happen.” Share your vision for what Yom Tov and Chol Hamoed might look like clearly, and ask your spouse what he expects as well. Have prior discussions about childcare sharing, bedtimes for kids, Chol Hamoed budget and experiences, adult rest time, and learning time. Make space for your relationship even if it’s just a 20-minute walk after the meal every day. Try to make intentional time with your children as a separate family unit.

3. Time with others, in different homes, and on different schedules

Things can be generally beautiful and still feel challenging. You may have a different style of cleanliness, organization, time management, parenting, or relationships from your family that you’re around. Remember, your way works for you, but wouldn’t necessarily work for others. Steer away from judgment and critical thinking. This applies to ourselves as well. Be gentle with yourself. Plan two or three things that will support your well-being — maybe it’s a new novel or a walk with a friend. Be mindful of sleeping, drinking, eating, and exercising over these incredibly blessed days so that we emerge with our spiritual, emotional, and physical tanks full.