A Weekend Away

Life is not great today. I’m not gonna lie, I’m pretty much done. Chaim Levine said no. After three very pareve, neutral dates, he said no. Listen, it’s not like I wanted to marry him either. But I’ve kind of reached the point that if his parole officer doesn’t pop up in the middle of drinks at the Marriott, I’ll give it a go.

Then Mrs. Pepper, Bayla Taub’s mother, came in for a root canal and stood there — with Dr. Abrams just waiting for her — telling me all about how Bayla is in from Israel for her brother-in-law’s wedding and I must come by and see her and the kids, she knows Bayla would love that, can you believe the twins are seven? And the other two are little carbon copies of Bayla, you must come see.

Yeah, I’m running.

Especially since I’m pretty sure her brother-in-law is, like, 14.

Then my mother texted to tell me that my baby sister, Rena, has something to tell me, and I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the reason why she ran out of the Purim party to throw up. I mean, she wasn’t the one drinking excessively. That had been her adorable husband, Moishe, who is 21 years old, I kid you not. So there’s all that, but I’m just going to shove that into the darkest recesses of my mind until I have time to process.