A Worried Sister

Q:

I’m really worried about my brother, and I don’t know how to best advise him. He’s been married for five years and has two young children. His wife, Shani, is an “interesting” person, to put it nicely. On the one hand, she’s very warm and sweet whenever she’s around us, but I know from my brother that she has quite the temper at home. He has called me so many times in a panic, not knowing how to calm her down and not knowing what he’s supposed to be doing or saying to improve the marriage. I’m no marriage counselor and of course, even if I was, I wouldn’t be handling his “case”! But I’m having a very hard time watching this because I know and love my brother so much. He’s such a gentle soul who wouldn’t hurt a fly! Shani refuses to go to marriage counseling with him. His rav urges him to be patient. What is my role?

A: 

You’re asking a really important question! You want to be supportive, but you’re not sure what that entails on a practical level. Your brother does seem to be looking for specific advice because he asks you 1) how to help calm his wife and 2) how to be a better husband.

The best advice would be to suggest marital counseling and say nothing else. But your brother’s wife has already rejected that idea. The next best strategy is to suggest that your brother seek personal professional counseling (as he has already sought rabbinical advice).

Still, let’s explore what you can say and do if he reaches out to you in a moment of crisis.

I’m sure your brother is quite alarmed at his wife’s intense emotionality. After all, we’re all deeply agitated when another adult rages at us, whether that adult is a boss, a stranger, a friend, or a spouse.