“Are Some Forms of Chutzpah More Urgent Than Others?”

The key is to know when and how to react, and when to turn a “blind” eye

The Question

We try to address chutzpah immediately to nip it in the bud, but there are so many gray areas, like when my kids ignore or refuse me, or their words are fine but the tone is not (oftentimes accompanied by eye rolls, door slams). Are some forms of chutzpah more urgent than others? And if yes, which should we prioritize?

Rabbi Ari Schonfeld

Honoring parents is one of the basic tenets of our lifestyle, and a child who lacks basic respect for the adults in their life will have a hard time accepting guidance on how to become a better person. The key is to know when and how to react, and when to turn a “blind” eye.

O

ne of the bedrocks of Yahadus is the mitzvah of kibbud av v’eim, which is one of the Aseres Hadibros. One of the many reasons we place such an emphasis on this mitzvah is because parents play such an integral role in teaching and giving over our mesorah. Without respect and honor, the relationship between a child and parent can be skewed into a dysfunctional pattern in which the parent loses the ability to lead and guide.

A child who lacks basic derech eretz toward the adults in their life will have a hard time being able to accept hadrachah and guidance in how to become a better person and bigger ben Torah. One who is chutzpahdig to his/her parents is corroding the pipeline of how they can learn and accept the values that their parents desperately wish to convey. It is for good reason that Chazal say, “Derech eretz kadmah l’Torah.” It can be terrifying to observe a young teen be brazenly defiant to a parent. We all have seen such interactions and we react with true consternation. Deep inside, we wonder how a kid like that can ever really grow as a person if their attitude toward elders is so debasing.

As a parent, there should be zero tolerance for chutzpah. The challenge, of course, is that if a child is chutzpahdig to a parent, too often the parent will respond out of anger and vindictiveness. And although the child deserves to be reprimanded, the response often does more harm than good.

A legendary story about Reb Boruch Ber recounts that he had a special hat put away in the closet that he would only don when hitting or scolding his child. The extra time it took him to go to the closet and put on the hat allowed him to ensure he was acting out of love and not anger or frustration.