What is the connection between shalom bayis and candle lighting?
Dina Schnoonmaker
The Gemara tells us that we light Shabbos candles for the purpose of shalom bayis. What is the connection between shalom bayis and candle lighting? In the times of the Gemara, when there were no electric lights, it’s easy to understand that in the absence of any lit candles, people would trip and stumble over furniture in the darkness, easily causing an atmosphere not conducive to harmony and shalom. How then do we understand this Gemara in today’s modern world, when we don’t rely on candles to bring light into our homes? The contemporary equivalent would be the reality that sometimes we clash and collide, not into furniture, but with the people we love, who live in our home. And similar to the candle that lights up the darkness, we want to be able to brighten our perspective on our relationships. Rather than tripping or stumbling over the annoying habits of our loved ones, we want to appreciate and love them while deftly maneuvering around their idiosyncrasies. What thought can help us light that metaphorical candle, and see the others around us with that brighter perspective? The pasuk tells us (Tehillim 68:7) “Elokim moshiv yechidim baysah — Hashem takes individuals and He puts them in the same house.” We need to remember that Hashem deliberately orchestrated that we live together with our loved ones, for our good. When we find ourselves stumbling and tripping over people’s limitations, their annoying habits, we have to ask ourselves, why did Hashem put this person in my home? And how is this going to make me a bigger, better person?
Imago Relationship Theory posits that if one’s family of origin didn’t cultivate certain aspects of their personality, they may have a lot of potential buried in a deep freeze within. Then when we get married and build a family, the difficulties or idiosyncrasies or annoying habits we’re forced to confront up-close are the conduit to bring out this frozen potential and help us become bigger, better people. This attitude can shed light on the quirks of those around us, and help us view stumbling blocks as stepping stones. There may be some sensitive issues that need to be worked on, but Hashem has a plan for setting us up in a home with those we love. When we light the candle, we bring shalom into our homes.
Dina Schoonmaker has been teaching in Michlalah Jerusalem College for over 30 years. She gives women’s vaadim and lectures internationally on topics of personal development.
Shoshana Schwartz
Honesty — the “best policy,” is not solely a Jewish value, but we attach a great deal of significance to it. What is honesty? Is it the absence of lies?
Create a free account to keep reading.
