One question can decrease marital conflict
Abby Delouya RMFT-CCC, CPTT
There’s an old adage that couples get divorced over the toothpaste tube. He likes to squeeze from the bottom and loses the cap, she likes a top squeeze, with the cap neatly replaced. She states her preference, he states his, and when conditions are right (or more accurately wrong) in the marriage — this can turn into a cold war of “He doesn’t even care what’s important to me!” Or “She doesn’t respect anything I say!”
Most actions are invested with some emotional significance. Usually, most healthy people only request things they need — emotionally or physically. Therefore, when these requests are met with stonewalling or indifference, it feels like our needs are being ignored.
If I were a betting woman, I would bet that if couples incorporated a single question into their regular conversations, marital conflict would decrease. Why not ask “What does it mean for you when….?”
Often we don’t put enough thought into what motivates our spouses’ emotional or logistical choices, and it can lead to one or both partners feeling misunderstood and start a cycle of conflict, anger, or hurt. Sometimes we don’t personally know why we do things, but we feel really strongly about them. This question can help press pause and give time for emotional exploration. There are many different scenarios where this could apply:
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