“Camp Looks Amazing. Also Costs a Fortune”

Q

Baruch Hashem, my life is extremely busy. It feels like there a million balls to juggle at any given minute, and I would say 80 percent of the time, I can keep my head above water. My husband works full-time-plus, I work more than 30 hours a week, we have a large family kein ayin hara, it’s a never-ending cycle of laundry and carpool and Shabbos-Yom Tov-simchah prep — normal frum life.

This year, my daughter has been mentioning that she really wants to go to the camp her friends are attending. It’s a traveling camp for three weeks, and really, it looks amazing. It also costs a fortune. We could probably swing it, if I add some more work at night and cut back on the already minimal cleaning help we have. But should I push myself to do something I’ll resent, and my daughter will will resent it if I don’t?

A

You and the women like you are the foundation of the world. Seemingly just mothers and wives, but in reality superheroes. You are role models of Torah, avodah, and gemilas chasadim. Relentlessly, with indomitable spirit, you go from task to task, all the while smiling. Your daughter is young and feeling a bit entitled (a subject we’ve dealt with previously in this column). It would be nice if she were looking at you and learning that life does not just hand you things, and that hard work, determination, and dedication enable you to provide for yourself and others.

It does not make sense for you to put yourself out and work beyond your means for your daughter’s pleasure. This is not a trip for her future, her ruchniyus, or her health. Living within our means is part of the responsibility we have in raising a family. Children who see parents living beyond their means do not learn crucial lessons for life. We need to live b’simchah with what we have — and that means completely b’simchah. The message underlying that cannot be, “We are sad that we cannot do certain things”; rather, it must be, “We are grateful and thankful for what we can do.”

You have to take charge of the dialogue. After you research the program and get comfortable with the trip, she needs to see that you are truly interested in her going. Tell her you would love for her to go, but you and your husband are working hard to provide for the family’s needs. Offer to go 50-50 on the camp expenses with her. That way you can help her halfway toward what she wants, while teaching her to take responsibility for the other half.

She has to know that on your end of the bargain, you will be adding hours to your work schedule; and she should know the fact that she will be paying for the other half is worthy of respect. This is true even if you have to help her be creative in determining how she will raise the money for her half. Maybe she can ask her grandparents to help. But it is important that some component of her effort include making some money. She will appreciate her summer so much more once she has taken some responsibility.