Cut Criticism

Criticizing comes naturally to many parents and spouses. “That’s not how you hold a knife,” or, “Why don’t you ever hang up a towel after you’ve used it?” seem like normal, natural comments on the wrong behaviors that family members engage in. Fast, efficient, easy to give (albeit hard to receive), criticizing those we love and live with is quite the addictive habit for many of us.

So what’s the problem? Well, those who grew up with liberal parental criticism can tell tales from the trenches:

“By the time I left home, I had no confidence left. My mother made it clear that I was too fat, too lazy, and too stupid to get anywhere in life. She never said that directly, of course. It was just the endless criticisms: ‘I don’t know why you can’t just follow the simple instructions on the package!’ or ‘Is this really the best you can do? It looks to me like you’re not even trying…’ and on and on throughout my entire childhood. I don’t even think she realized what she was doing. If you ask her, she’ll tell you we had a great relationship.”

“My father never saw the good in me. At least, if he did, he never mentioned it. But he had lots of other stuff to say. ‘Your coat is on the chair.’ ‘Your shirt is dirty.’ ‘Move your shoes out of the way.’ I know I was a bit of a slob, but it seemed my father had nothing to say to me other than pointing out what I needed to clean up. It was one criticism after the other. I learned to avoid him most of the time and even today, I can’t say that I look forward to spending time with him.”