Disappearing Act

For the years of life, we’re “trapped” within a particular family with its particular circumstances. If we don’t like what we find there it’s too bad — we’re too little and too helpless to leave. Moreover, because of the inherent privacy of our experience, we often suffer through it without access to appropriate emotional support.

Hashem gives every child numerous instinctive tools to help ensure emotional and even physical survival in these difficult situations. And when the situation isn’t so dire, these tools help all of us maintain our equilibrium through the years of our dependency and vulnerability. They allow us to jump rope, learn math, make friends, and progress along our developmental journeys despite the myriad emotional challenges that arise out of being raised by fallible human beings in an imperfect world.

Says one woman, “My parents fought all the time. I couldn’t tolerate the constant bickering, the raised voices, the threats. I coped by retreating. When they were at it, I’d lock myself in my bedroom and bury myself in my books. My parents didn’t seem to notice. They never looked for me afterward, never asked me if I was okay. It was like I was invisible to them. I suppose they thought that since I didn’t say anything, I didn’t notice anything. Maybe they thought that I didn’t feel anything! I was just a kid. I couldn’t come to them, to tell them that I was scared and sad. All these feelings were stuck inside me, and formed a burden that weighed me down all throughout my childhood.”

Disappearing Adults

Although the instinct to disappear can help a child survive family stress and move forward in his own social and academic life, it can get in the way later on. For instance, when dealing with one’s own marital stress, a “disappearing” spouse is unavailable for conflict resolution and consequently unavailable for an authentic and emotionally close relationship. A “disappearing” parent similarly loses out on the establishment of secure, lifelong bonds with offspring. Various types of “disappearing” may affect one’s job performance and even one’s own relationship to oneself.