“She wants to tell people the warning signs of a manipulator. I’d like her to also be able to recognize the signs of a people pleaser”
Your feature article “Manipulated” was very disturbing. Somehow, somewhere, we seem to have replaced our Jewish identity as “rachmanim, gomlei chasadim” with a self-care focused, therapeutic model. A righteous woman once commented, “Savlanus begins when you run out of patience, and chesed begins when it’s no longer convenient.” Our great people became great by giving, by stretching themselves to help others.
“Chaya” is not a good person to count on in a healthy relationship. But she, and her daughter, are alone and needy, despite their poor social skills. (Are we only meant to do chesed with pleasant, healthy people?) She reached out for help that she seems to really need, without considering the needs of the giver. As anyone involved in chesed organizations can attest, it’s not unusual for people in pain to become self-absorbed and not consider the impact of their actions on the people helping them. That is part of doing chesed. And yes, part of that is weighing how much you can handle without it affecting your family or overwhelming you.
It’s perfectly appropriate to be unable to cosign a loan, or set other boundaries. But the author instead discovers through the wisdom posted online that she has been “manipulated.” I assume, by the same measure, any time we do chesed, we’re being “used”… and so concludes the story by “heroically” blocking Chaya’s number. Close call! She almost (shudder) had to help a single mom who needs her (twice a year?).
I understand that you’re presenting a personal narrative, but by featuring this as your cover article, and publishing it in first person, you’re promoting this self-centered viewpoint to your readers, who now consider it valid and even praiseworthy.
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