Accepting the feelings you don’t want to have is the path to healing
To experience guilt, we have to have awareness of at least two of our internal “ego states.” Guilt is generated by a “blamer” and a “blamed” part. One part experiences a feeling or engages in a behavior, and another part then launches into a critical diatribe. “How could you have thought/felt/said such a thing? There must be something seriously wrong with you! You’re a bad person!”
“I can’t stand myself. My brother was born with a health handicap, and of course he needed extra attention all through childhood. Of course, that condition still affects him, and of course my parents still need to help him. He doesn’t choose to be this way. But even though I understand all this, I really can’t stand him. My parents are always asking me to do errands for him. I resent him and then I hate myself! What kind of person am I?”
Devorah knows her feelings aren’t “nice.” She’s aware of two inner voices: one that’s hurting and angry, and another that judges her for being so cold and unfeeling toward her sick brother. This is the dynamic of “I hate myself.” The latter part is the one who “hates” the “self” (the part that feels the way she feels).
Miri has a similar issue. “I try and try and try to feel close to my husband, but I just can’t. Then I think what a horrible wife I am. My husband hasn’t done anything wrong. I just don’t appreciate him, and I can’t feel close to someone I don’t appreciate. Why can’t I just appreciate all his good points? I keep reminding myself of them, hoping to convince some part of myself to open up and actually like the man. But it never works. And then I hate myself even more.”
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