How Can I Say This?

Dear Friend,

We’ve never met, but I feel like you know me better than many of the people who see me every day but don’t share my journey. About a year ago, I wrote an article in these pages, laying bare my pain with the struggle of RPL — repeated pregnancy loss. I put to words the hopes and highs of carrying a pregnancy and the crushing hurt of losing it over and over again.

You reached out and tried to contact me, and I mustered the courage to step out from behind the shadowy comfort of a pseudonym to answer you. We talked. How we talked. You understood the depth and nuance of what I was grappling with, because you were going through it yourself. Trying to balance the demands of work and family alongside secret appointments. Trying to understand why your body was suddenly unable to do what used to come so naturally. Trying to thank Hashem for the precious gift of each child you do have, while begging Him for another. Trying, trying, and trying… and often falling short as you dissolve at the end of another day of carrying this weight.

You wore the same facade of a regular mother with regular problems. You also watched your youngest cross each milestone with a bittersweet mix of pride and mounting anxiety, as your “baby” just wasn’t a baby anymore. Your pain found a mirror in mine.

Just your presence was comforting. It lifted the burden of isolation and loneliness. Although I can’t picture you in my mind, I have your name etched in my heart as we daven for one another.