Identity Crisis

Q:

During my last year of school, a teacher cut me to the core, harming my very sense of who I am. I consider myself to be a good person if I believe in, and do, the right things. Therefore, knowing what the right things are is crucial.

The problem was that this teacher’s values were directly inverse to mine. What I held to be most important, she mocked. What I believed to be complex and nuanced, she dogmatically swallowed whole. Our differences were reflected in the larger community, too, as half of Klal Yisrael agreed with her perspective while half sided with mine.

I was a good girl. I zipped my mouth shut, while fuming through her lessons. But I sometimes tried to ask her questions after class, tried to make her see my perspective, tried to reconcile our radically different views of the world. Unfortunately, all I got from her was, “Everything you believe in is wrong.” She was adamant, making it clear that I had to accept her values if I were to live a proper life.

My self-image as a good person was blown apart, leading to a full-blown identity crisis. Were my primary teachers (my parents) who instilled those values in me, also wrong? Who was right? What was the truth? I was no longer sure of anything. These existential questions threw me into depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. And I despised this teacher for messing me up so badly and causing me so much pain.

All that is in the past. But I can’t seem to let go of the memories. While my mind knows all this, my heart refuses to accept that we can both be right, that she surely didn’t mean to hurt me, that I can be wrong on my most deeply held beliefs and remain a good person.

How do I let go of this and forgive my teacher for the pain she inadvertently caused me? And how do I know what is right, when people I’m meant to respect hold opinions completely contrary to the opinions of other people I’m meant to respect? How do I know who truly represents Hashem’s Will, knowing that Hashem’s Will is the most important thing in the world?

Please try answering my question. I’d like to believe that there are others with similar questions and that I speak for them all.

A:

You’re right in thinking that there are others out there with similar questions! Teenagers and young adults are particularly vulnerable to the sort of painful experience you describe here. This is because their identities are still developing and their nature is to seek clarity on the big issues in life. People at this age are often idealistic, passionate truth seekers. But they’re still young enough to be operating under the naive belief that there are black-and-white answers to all questions and that what their parents have told them is the one and only truth. These youthful traits, when exposed to the reality of our imperfect, flawed world, can spark a perfect storm of confusion, chaos, and pain.

Your teacher, for example, had her own viewpoint that she acquired from her parents and teachers. Unfortunately, it sounds as if she was a normal, imperfect human being who lacked the qualities of a true educator. It isn’t enough for a teacher to know information — even valuable information pertaining to hashkafah and halachah. A teacher has to know how to impart that information in a way that enlightens, inspires, and influences. A teacher has to be sensitive to her students, able to penetrate their hearts and minds simultaneously. The severe emotional wounding you experienced came from this woman’s attack on you rather than from her particular point of view regarding the practice of Yiddishkeit.

The reason you’re finding it so hard to forgive, recover, and move on, is that — as you stated — this assault affected your very sense of who you are. You want to know what Hashem wants from you so that you can fulfill His Will. Obviously you were and remain a pure soul trying to do the right thing. You still want that teacher to see the goodness in you and reflect it back to you.

But what is really needed here is for you to see the goodness in you! Then the judgment of this woman or anyone else won’t matter to you at all. Make a very long list of your positive traits, including this striving to be close to Hashem, and review it frequently. Acknowledge and value the real you!

Professional therapy can also help clear the trauma of that turbulent time and put it to rest once and for all.

And — most importantly — find yourself a rav. Judaism is not a rigid, one-size-fits-all sort of religion. There are different opinions on everything (as you know!), and we love the rabbinical discussion, exploration, debate, and thinking that goes into every ruling. Only your rav will be able to guide you as to what is Hashem’s Will and how it applies to YOU.

(Originally featured in Family First, Issue 967)