“I’m Not the Same Mother with My Youngest Child”

Question

I’ve been blessed with a large family ranging from young marrieds to elementary school children. The youngest was born after a five-year gap and is very much the “baby.”

Lately I’m noticing that my older children seem to be resentful of the way I deal with her, claiming that I’m spoiling her and not providing the necessary discipline.

It’s true that I am a much more relaxed parent now and that I’m not as strict about bedtimes, treats, and chores. My parenting perspective has shifted over the years, and I don’t think she is suffering from a more relaxed approach. Beyond that, this little girl is growing up in a home filled with teens and adults, and it’s not realistic for her to adhere to the very regimented schedule that was in place when I was a young mother.

Should I explain this to my older kids, or should I avoid any explanations or justifications and instead make it clear it’s not their place to question my parenting?

Answer

AS the father of a son who was born an uncle, I can relate to your question on every level. Your older children are observing a number of elements in the way you parent your youngest. You alluded to some in your question, but there are other elements that you did not articulate. Please allow me to speak as “we”  — inclusive of “you”  — as I’m sure that we both live with this daily reality.

We (you and I) are older and have experienced the humbling effects of watching our children become who they have grown to be in spite of our chinuch. We’ve seen that their natures, personalities, siblings, and peers wield enormous influence on who they are, how they develop, and who they will become.

Take three daughters of the same parents with similar personalities; one born as the oldest daughter, another, the fourth of six girls in a row, and the last, born after four boys. The development of each will be vastly different, just as a result of her place in the family.

As more experienced parents, we begin to acknowledge that not all our wishes for our children are fulfilled, and that other influences can be more powerful than ours.