If we feel loved, we do less accusing and more apologizing
Apologies are hard to make. They seem to require a small sacrifice of the self, as if one is saying, “I am flawed.”
In admitting to ourselves and others that “I’ve done wrong,” it seems that we’re also admitting that “there’s something wrong about me.” It’s far easier to accept the wrongness in others. She’s so selfish. He’s controlling. Finding brokenness in others is natural and easy. But admitting that we ourselves have some of the same is excruciating and difficult. Why?
Our ability to spot the flaws in everyone around us actually comes from the same place as our ability to hide our own flaws from ourselves: We need love. When others fail to give us love, we feel better if we tell ourselves that they wouldn’t have done so had they not been damaged from the start. “He’s got a personality disorder — that’s why he can’t treat (love) me properly.” “She’s immature; that’s why she doesn’t give me the care and respect I deserve.” Because we so desperately depend on love for our physical and emotional well-being, we need an explanation to account for its absence.
Meanwhile, our perceived lack of shortcomings proves (to us) that we are totally lovable. We harbor the belief that acknowledging our brokenness renders us less lovable, even unlovable. Therefore it’s best if we don’t see what’s wrong with us.
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