Making Peace

Making Peace

By Abby Delouya

INa previous installment, we discussed accepting a spouse’s limitations and emphasized a fundamental premise: Usually the offending spouse isn’t trying to aggravate or blatantly disregard his/her spouse’s feelings or requests and preferences. Sometimes, there are actual emotional and cognitive limitations.

Still, knowing our spouse isn’t out to deliberately hurt us may not be enough to help us make peace with their limitations, especially when their flaws may be causing us to feel lonely and unseen, or bear more responsibility at home. Here are some tips that can help us move forward:

1. Name the limitations. Sometimes several different grievances are really all related to the same core executive function process (forgetfulness and poor time management can be examples of executive function issues or ADD, for example). Narrowing things down can make dealing with the problematic behavior feel less frustrating or overwhelming.
2. Are any of these limitations “fixable” through open discussion of how the behaviors affect the spouse? If yes, ask your spouse when they might be open to having a conversation. Aim for calm, encouraging, and kind vibes.
3. Consider the positive sides of your spouse’s limitation. Shana may be messy and disorganized, but she may also be laid-back, flexible, and creative. Yanky might lose track of time schmoozing with everyone he meets, but he may also be a very warm, well-liked member of the community and a good friend.

Address the benefits a behavior brings when discussing the difficulties it causes. “Shana, you’re such a flexible and open person. I know the kids love that. But sometimes it’s challenging for me to always be the one to keep the schedule up or reinforce the rules. Is there a way you can still bring your fun side out and keep more of a structure?”

4. We’re often paired with spouses who are different from us. How do your strengths compensate for your spouse’s limitations?
5. Bring awareness of your own limitations into this process. Maybe your spouse’s issues are only heightened because of yours. For example, Dovi may only feel frustrated by Shana’s free spirit because he is unnecessarily rigid. Our best bet when faced with something we don’t like in a spouse is to first look at ourselves, assess what we can change, and then figure out what part our spouse can play.

Keep in mind that it’s possible your spouse’s limitations are a very core or old part of them, and reacting harshly will induce shame, resentment, or loneliness. When we stop keeping score and convey to our spouse that we’re just trying to improve family function and closeness, then even if the behaviors or limitations can’t be changed, talking and sharing about the issues can bring more closeness and connection.