Q

My almost four-year-old recently started hitting and biting me when things don’t go his way.

We’re quite at a loss as to how to deal with it. So far either my husband or I will put him in his room and hold the door closed for a couple of minutes while he screams. Then we’ll ask if he’s ready to say sorry and let him come out if he does.

I’m wondering if this is the right mehalech, as it seems to be getting worse. Is this just normal little-kid behavior, which will b’ezras Hashem get better as he matures? I’d truly appreciate hearing your take on this.

A

This common problem is normal in small kids, but that doesn’t mean we should ignore it. Although some inappropriate behaviors do disappear on their own, most get entrenched due to the wiring-in effect of practice. That is to say, when a child repeats a behavior over and over again, the neural pathway for that behavior becomes strengthened. The child gets better at anything he practices, including inappropriate behaviors.

As you know, we use practice intentionally in order to learn new skills. Therefore, ignoring a behavior while waiting for a child to grow out of it simply ensures an awful lot of practice of behaviors we don’t like! More practice at hitting and biting yields more hitting and biting.

I like the fact that you noticed that your current strategy isn’t working. This sort of evaluation is absolutely necessary when designing remedial interventions for problem behaviors. Ideally, we use an intervention three to five times, and if there isn’t improvement, we switch to something different. You note that not only is your strategy not working, but the behavior is actually getting worse! So yes, stop doing what you’re doing!

Here are a couple of thoughts about your current strategy of putting your son in his room, holding the door shut, and asking for an apology. Although these are all commonly employed parenting techniques aimed at helping a child improve his behavior, none of them have anything to do with how the brain learns and produces new behaviors. In fact, you might notice that the new behavior — that is, the behavior you want from him when things don’t go his way — isn’t mentioned anywhere in your parenting intervention.