A disturbing phenomenon in marriage is that small infractions— especially recurring ones— can grow out of proportion
Shayna: Yanky has already told me three times he would call the electrician to fix the issue with the breaker. Why doesn’t he understand how annoying it is to be in the middle of a million things, trying to cook, clean, and settle the kids, only to be plunged into darkness and need to fly downstairs to flip the switch while the kids cry?! It’s so upsetting! I’m so angry! He just doesn’t care about me!
A disturbing phenomenon in marriage is that small infractions — especially recurring ones — can grow out of proportion and turn into big disagreements and pain points. There’s a flippant saying that “the couple got divorced over the toothpaste tube.” You know the story: He rolls from the bottom, she squeezes from the top, and twice a day, while reaching for the toothpaste, all each can think about is he/she knows I hate when they do this, why don’t they care? All too soon, this can morph into, he/she never listens to me, which, over time, may balloon to, I’m never heard or seen, what’s the point of it all, why even bother?” Resentment and feelings of loneliness fester, and soon there is a mountain of hurt, anger, and isolation separating this couple.
Yes, the toothpaste tube is a bit of an extreme example, but this scenario can play out in many different forms, all involving things that may start small but with time and repetition become a big deal (i.e., coming home late, forgetting to call, not making enough time for a spouse, or forgetting to do things we committed to doing). This dynamic can be exacerbated when one or both spouses have experienced relational or developmental trauma.
An important foundational premise for these instances is that generally, the offending spouse doesn’t mean to be hurtful or dismissive. We usually try our best, and sometimes our best falls short of our spouse’s expectations — which is painful for both sides. While accepting a spouse’s limitation or being more expansive in understanding is hard work, and often doesn’t feel “fair” — especially when capacity is not exactly matched in a couple — ultimately, both parties will only benefit.
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