“Where’s the Codependency Line?”

Q

I’m trying to help a close friend who is struggling with mild depression. I offered to work with her, to help find her a good therapist, and so on. She usually responds with either, ‘‘No, I’m okay’’ or “Maybe.” Once in a while, she opens up to me, and I see that she’s in so much pain.

I want to help her because I’ve struggled with anxiety myself, and I know that it’s even harder for her because she has trouble expressing herself.

Recently my husband told me he believes I’m being codependent. I think he might be right, especially because it’s so important to me to be the one to help her. Nonetheless, I’m not sure how to stop trying to help while still remaining a truly caring friend. I genuinely want to see her happy. What are your thoughts?

A

Let’s begin with defining some terms. “Codependent” refers to someone who, by refusing to establish healthy boundaries, helps someone else remain unhealthy. For instance, a husband who looks the other way while his wife’s shopping addiction threatens to bankrupt the family may be considered codependent because his refusal to confront his wife allows her dysfunction to produce serious harm. A wife who buys her ill husband the cigarettes he asks for (and which the doctor absolutely prohibited) is codependent because her behavior aids and abets her husband’s life-threatening addiction. Similarly, a parent who allows her 26-year-old son to remain home in bed till noon daily, neither working nor studying, is being codependent, abetting his problem in moving into adulthood.

In codependency, a person enables, promotes, facilitates, or actively contributes to another person’s self-destructive behavior such as irresponsibility, addiction, or poor mental or physical health.

Now that you understand the definition of “codependence” you can see that this term doesn’t describe your behavior with your friend.

However, you do have a boundary issue. Although you’re in no way enabling her continued depression (and are therefore not codependent), you’re overstepping your boundaries. Her depression is her problem to solve, not yours. Her inability to speak up for herself is also her issue, not yours.