"It’s not because he doesn’t care. It’s not because he doesn’t love you. It’s not because he’s not a mensch"
Written with Zivia Reischer
I don’t know what to do with my husband. Don’t get me wrong, he’s a great guy, he earns a good living, he’s good with our kids. He makes time for me and treats me well. I guess everything’s great, except — I don’t know how to say this nicely — he’s a slob. He leaves his stuff everywhere. He just drops things down wherever he happens to be at the moment — on the dining room table, the kitchen counter, the desk, the bed, the couch, the bookshelves, even the floor. You walk through the house and his papers are on the piano, his coffee cup is on the windowsill, there are ties lying on the dining room table and looped over random doorknobs. The place is always a mess, and it’s not because of our kids! It’s so frustrating. And embarrassing. I talk to him about it all the time, and he always says he’s going to be better about putting his stuff away, but he never follows through. I don’t get it. He’s forty years old! Why doesn’t he clean up after himself? Every time I try talking to him about it, it becomes a whole fight. If he really cared about me, he would just do it! He gets upset, saying that I can’t pin the entire state of our marriage on this one issue. Then he always claims he’ll be better about it, but it makes no difference, he doesn’t do it. How can I get him to change?
There are three pillars to a successful marriage: love, commitment, and learning to live together. We discussed commitment in an earlier column, explaining that the root of that commitment is the belief that Hashem, Who knows what’s best for you and wants only your good, chose this particular partner for you. Your question speaks to a different pillar, which is possibly the most difficult to achieve — learning to live together.
People are different from each other. Humans come in different shapes, sizes, colors, and flavors. Accepting that is one of the keys to learning to live together.
There’s no question about the fact that your husband should clean up after himself. There’s also no question that he’s probably not going to change. The question is why he isn’t going to change.
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