“Do I Deal with My Past Before I Date?”

Q:

Hi, I’m a girl in shidduchim and have a question that’s been nagging at me for a while now. I grew up in a home with more than a few challenges. My father has an undiagnosed mental illness. I tried therapy to get past my trauma, but made little progress. Now that I’m in shidduchim, I’m wondering: Is it irresponsible, and even unfair to my future husband, (and to myself) if I don’t do something about my past now? Overall, I believe I’m doing very well emotionally.

Thank you for your time.

A:

This is a great question! The fact that you ask it shows you understand that painful childhood experiences can have a lasting impact on lifelong functioning. You’re aware that things are fine for you now, but that the complexity and demands of marriage and parenting might trigger vulnerabilities that currently lie below the surface. You don’t want to ruin anyone’s life, including your own!

Parental emotional challenges affect children in three ways:

Children can be wounded by parental invalidation, discounting, rejection, neglect, and abuse. These wounds can result in trauma syndromes ranging from simple oversensitivity to borderline personality disorder, complex post-traumatic stress disorder, dissociative disorders, depression, anxiety, and physical health problems.