Summer Shabbos Meals Together  

Illustrations: Esti Friedman Saposh

There’s nothing like summer Shabbos meals together. The weather is beautiful, the days are long, and the people have absolutely no table manners. If we’re being honest, this column has been a long time coming. Stressed hosts (us) and guests (also us) submit their questions.

I slaved Wednesday night, Thursday night, and a good part of Friday to come up with the most impressive Shabbos meal for my closest childhood friend and her family, and let me tell you: I. Delivered. Each meal was an intricately woven tapestry of storytelling and art. I served elevated heimish food and heimish elevated food. I had courses on courses, and palate cleansers in between. And THEN, no one passed the platters around, which means no one tasted my gefilte tartar with micro cilantro salad besides eight-year-old Shloimy, who it was sitting in front of the whole time, and he drowned it in spicy mayo so he didn’t even taste the balanced flavors. I’m distraught. Who comes to a Shabbos meal and doesn’t pass the platters? My so-called friend, that’s who. Has our relationship been a sham this whole time?

Your relationship is fine. You can fix this issue extremely simply and quickly! Here’s how: replace your dining room table with a round dining room table. Fit it with a lazy Susan. Purchase custom tablecloths that cover the table but still allow for Susan to freely move as she wishes. Rotate Susan as often as necessary to ensure every single guest tries every item you worked so hard on. And if by ensure we mean force-feed, that’s neither here nor there.

Shul is over at 11:15, so can someone please tell me why my guests didn’t roll in until 12:45? Apparently they had an undisclosed bar mitzvah AND aufruf kiddush, ran into an old friend from yeshivah days, and had a daughter whose shoes pinched so badly that they had to go home to change. We casually went out to the sidewalk several times to strain our eyes to catch a glimpse of them down the block, and now it’s so late that my food is probably ruined and my cholent’s overcooked.

So you’re saying the first 27 hours of the cholent cooking were totally fine, but the 28th hour ruined everything? Honestly, this sounds like you have a hangryness problem more than a guest problem. Let them live their best lives, and ask your husband to put you out of your misery and make Kiddush so you can pregame, too.