Q

IF my husband were a kid today, he’d probably be diagnosed with ADHD, ASD, and who knows what else. He’s not, though, and when he was a kid, my in-laws, who had a very large family of rambunctious little ones, just considered him a boy who would never succeed in school and pretty much left him to his own devices.

Now I’m seeing some worrisome behavior in my four-year-old son, and I am desperate to get him evaluated, but my husband refuses. He thinks our son is just like him, and he turned out “fine” without the labels, so our son will as well, and that’s the end of the discussion.

My husband’s idiosyncrasies impact my life in many ways, every day. It’s really hard. And as my son’s mother, I’m terrified of what the future holds — for him, and for his future family. What do I do?

A

Your question is painful because while your husband means well, he is unaware of two very important elements.

1. Because your husband “survived,” and all of the false prophesies that he would never succeed did not materialize, he thinks he’s fine. He is unaware of the difficulties that his challenges present to those close to him. If in fact he has ASD (autism spectrum disorder), he likely has problems with both social relations and communication, making it difficult for him to understand how his disorder affects his personal relationships.
2. Our educational world has also developed and evolved to an unrecognizable state since he was a child. Our schools have become more focused on compliance, regulations, and classifications. Who fits in where, and how? The classroom is a social paradigm as much as an academic construct. Our community has become more aware of learning disabilities, disorders, and emotional challenges. This has brought about the creation of learning centers, resource rooms, and even programs and schools for special education.

Your husband survived in a different school system, a much-less-regulated atmosphere. Even if he was only ADHD, the culture of medicating students has changed drastically over the past 20 years. There is more awareness, and educators have developed progressive responses to children with challenges.

Your son is going to school in this new world of identification and intervention. If you are not on top of your son’s development, the indicators will trigger red flags, and he will likely not survive in school without collateral damage. Of course, the consequences of not taking care of him will extend far beyond just school.

Shlomo Hamelech says in Mishlei 16:2, “All the ways of a man are pure in his eyes.” Rabbeinu Yonah explains this to mean that we all think our inborn tendencies are “normal,” which makes it very difficult to make changes in our middos and character. We do not necessarily perceive our shortcomings as wonderful, but at least as within the range of normal.