How can I get my daughters to open up more to me?
I have a house full of kids, but my oldest two are girls, 13 and 15 years old. I thought I had a great relationship with them as they were growing up, but now I find that they keep to themselves and rarely share anything of substance with me. If I ask about school they give me one-word answers and if they have any problems, they confide in their aunt (my husband’s sister) instead of me. I’m really hurt about this. I asked the older one the other day why she and her sister don’t talk to me (except to ask me for things!), and she told me, “Because you’re never on our side. You always take the other person’s side. And also because you get so upset when we tell you stuff.” I was shocked! I don’t see myself this way at all. If I’m trying to guide my kids, does this mean I’m not taking their side? And if I get a bit upset when they tell me something upsetting, am I supposed to just smile and tell them everything is okay? In other words, do I have to be a phony in order to have a relationship with my daughters? Please set me straight. Is there something wrong with me or with them?
Based on the little information you’ve shared, I really don’t know whether it’s you or them, but I’ll describe some scenarios and maybe you’ll be able to answer that question for yourself.
Let’s start with the issue of being “on the other person’s side.” This is a surprisingly easy error to make in parenting because parents like to help their kids see things more clearly. Often parents are just trying to do some problem-solving, without realizing that what they’re saying sounds like they are supporting “the other side” instead of their child. Take this dialogue for example:
Child: I’m so mad! Bassi is ignoring me!” (Bassi is this child’s best friend.)
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