It Was So Great in the Beginning… How Do I Get It Back?

Written with Zivia Reischer

Rabbi Shafier,

I am 20 years old and have been married for four months. I never dreamed I would be writing to ask marriage advice. The reason I never dreamed it is because I married the perfect guy. He was everything I wanted: a serious learner from a great family, great middos, great sense of humor, tall and good looking and put together too. We just totally clicked as soon as we met and we got engaged after six dates. Our engagement was amazing, I felt like the luckiest girl. I was flying. I was so excited to marry him. Every story he told me was so interesting, every joke was so funny. The wedding and sheva brachos were like a dream.

But now, four months later, everything feels different. I don’t know what’s wrong. He still looks the same and acts the same, but I don’t feel the same anymore. I used to get so excited just seeing his number flash on my cell phone. Now it just feels regular. I mean, it doesn’t really feel like anything. Sometimes, if I’m on the phone with my sister or my friend, I don’t even want to pick up.

I used to watch the clock waiting for him to come home. I loved cooking all his favorite foods and we would sit over supper for two hours, just schmoozing, and not even realize how late it was. I can’t even remember now what we used to talk about. We still schmooze, but it’s not the same.

I feel terrible talking about my husband this way. Don’t get me wrong. He’s a great guy. He’s not abusive and he doesn’t have bad manners and he treats me well. But I get annoyed with him sometimes, about stupid things. Like he sings totally off-key — which for the first few months I didn’t even notice. Now it drives me crazy. I used to think he was so special, I felt so special. Now everything just seems normal and regular.