“One Mesivta Is Too Advanced, the Other Too Chilled”

The Question

My son is a very sheltered, erlich boy, but he struggles academically. In my town, there are only two options for mesivta: either one that’s way too advanced for him, or one that’s way too chilled. How can I choose?

Rabbi Yerachmiel Garfield

Sometimes Hashgachah puts us in situations where no option is ideal, and our role as parents is to build the bridge between what exists and what our child needs.

Sometimes, perhaps most often, there simply isn’t a perfect option. We want a setting that matches our son’s ruchniyus, challenges him appropriately, and surrounds him with rebbeim who will love and understand him. Yet real life regularly presents imperfect choices.

When that happens, our focus should shift. We should think less in terms of “Which mesivta is perfect?” and more in terms of “Which one can I make work with the right support?” More specifically, with which mesivta can you build the best partnership to compensate for the imperfections and support your son’s growth?

If the more advanced mesivta has rebbeim who are warm and patient, and the hanhalah is open to collaboration, that may be the right place. In this case, a parent would need to add tutoring or extra support. On the other hand, if the more relaxed mesivta is led by people who care deeply about each bochur’s ruchniyus and personal growth, then a structured home routine and continued parental involvement can balance the lighter atmosphere. Perhaps an advanced chavrusa can also be a worthwhile investment.

Every child’s success depends less on the building and more on the relationships that surround him. A boy who feels seen, supported, and believed in will find his footing anywhere.