If you want to be heard, speak the language of your listener
Chanie said it “right” when she asked her husband, Eli, to consider her feelings. She used the magic formula: describe the problem briefly, state the emotional impact, and ask for what you
want. “Eli, when you don’t buy everything that I put on the shopping list, I feel let down. I really need you to check off each item on the list before you leave the store.”
Eli’s partial performance has happened so many times throughout their marriage, and every time Chanie has tried to be understanding. But of late, the errors have intensified in quantity and frequency, and Chanie has run out of patience.
“I need to be able to count on him,” she explains. “I take very good care of him, but he’s not taking good care of me. I feel resentful. I just want him to understand that the issue here is not the ketchup or the milk, it’s the way he makes me feel.”
Unfortunately, Chanie’s message — despite being delivered in a respectful and healthy way — isn’t received the way she intended.
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