Passing Judgment

“How can I not judge someone when I know they’re doing wrong?” Discussing some angles of judging

A reader reflected what many of us feel:

Hi,

There’s tons of confusion about judgment. Are you never supposed to judge others? What about being discerning, is that judging? Hashem judges, so it can’t be all bad. We make a din v’cheshbon, a judgment of ourselves. We’re dan l’chaf zechus. And isn’t recognizing the bad (a judgment) an important safety precaution?

It’s a perplexing topic interwoven with this time of year. From the zodiac sign to preparing for our Day in Court, the energy jumping off our calendar is saturated with din. Let’s catch those sparks by teasing out these various strands and discussing some angles of judging.

Poor Kid, She’s Always Misjudged

My 15-year-old daughter gets in trouble, not because she does anything wrong, but because she looks like she does. A few examples: Although she wears the uniform, she gets called out because her personality makes anything she wears look a bit brash. She isn’t chutzpahdig, but is a bit cheeky (and cute), and when she asks the teacher or principal to tell her what she said wrong, they can’t ever come up with a quote. How can I help her?

It’s terrific that your daughter knows you have her back. A kid who’s consistently read wrong, perhaps over-endowed with spirit, needs her parents’ confidence. Stay chummy and communicative with her teachers and principals so that you can advocate for her.

Here’s another angle: You may want to help your daughter learn to make a stronger impression. Testing the furthest boundaries of school rules won’t serve her well. She’s a good kid, and ensuring others get that is also a Torah value.

“Be innocent before G-d and before Israel” (Bamidbar 32:22) tells us to stay far away from anything that gives any sort of incorrect picture and causes someone to judge us wrongly, and it goes beyond not ordering seltzer at McDonalds. The Avtinas family made the incense for the Mikdash. Even their brides didn’t wear perfume to avoid the scantest notion that they may have dipped into the fragrances (Yoma 38a). Rabi Yosi warns not to enter an abandoned building as it may look like you’re planning on doing something unsavory there (Berachos 3a).

Sometimes a person is blamed despite all of this, which is painful and, in some events, tragic. Rabi Yosi (while teaching us to stay away from attracting suspicion) prayed that his portion be with those who are wrongly suspected (Shabbos 118b) because the unjustified shame is a huge kapparah.