Rabbi Shafier,
I’ve been married for five years. We have three kids. My wife is great and our marriage is great. At least, that’s what I thought. But lately I’m finding that my wife is always in a bad mood. She picks fights about dumb things and nothing is ever good enough for her, almost like she’s looking for reasons to be unhappy.
I realize there’s probably something behind this, and I tried talking to her about it, but whenever I ask her what’s wrong, she gives me all these complaints she has about me — I’m never home, we never talk, I don’t spend time with her, she feels like the housekeeper and the nanny.
I’m very busy. I work very hard. I run my own business, and it’s not like I can just clock out at 5 p.m. I get up early to learn the daf and daven, and then I’m busy nonstop all day. I try to get home in time to help with bedtime (at least a few nights a week), and then there’s Maariv and just the regular commitments that come with life. It’s not like I’m avoiding her on purpose or partying with my friends while ignoring her.
I get that she’s overwhelmed and burned out. I told her that any time she wants to go out, I’ll make time for her. She should just pick a time and place, a restaurant or whatever she’ll enjoy, and I’ll take the evening off and we’ll go out. But she never takes me up on it. She just keeps complaining. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do — she says she wants to spend time together, but then she never actually does it. I don’t understand her at all. What does she want from me?
What you are describing is probably the most common issue that couples suffer from today — we just don’t spend time together. Oh, yes, we spend time together doing things — running errands and talking about the kids and attending bar mitzvahs and weddings. But we’re so busy running, doing, taking care of this detail and that errand that all we seem to talk about is logistics. What time should we leave? Should Shani get braces? Which yeshivah should Moshe go to?
This lifestyle takes a closely connected couple and turns them into comanagers of the family business. Do we spend time together? Yes, but it’s all on logistics and appointments, schedules and responsibilities.
The essence of your marriage, and the success of your family, depends on the bond of love and connection between you. And that bond needs nurturing. It needs attention. Your relationship is like a flower: If you don’t water it, it dies.
I think you get that. But there’s a subtlety here that I think you’re missing. Most women are insecure about their relationship — does he really care? Does he really want to spend time with me, or is he just fulfilling another obligation, checking one more thing off his to-do list?
