Stirring up the Blend

Q:

Three years after my divorce, I married a widower with two sons, aged nine and eleven. My own boys are eight and eleven, and I also have a daughter aged six. My kids are with my ex-husband’s new family for two weeks of the month and with us for the other two. Here’s my question: I want my stepsons to love me as their mother, and I know this is a big ask considering I’m not their real mother who they loved so much. For this reason, I don’t reprimand them, discipline them, or attempt to set limits with them — I leave all this to their dad. Of course, I raise my own kids normally. However, my eleven-year-old is becoming resentful. He wants to know why he gets punished if he speaks rudely to me, but his stepbrothers can say whatever they want (and so on). My other kids haven’t complained yet, but I suspect they might be feeling the same way. What should I be telling him?

A:

“Blended” families are very challenging. Although there are some that just seem to work right away, many others take years to “blend.” In fact, many will never blend at all. Some stepchildren will develop beautiful, loving relationships with their stepparents and others will not.

I hear how much you are hoping to become a beloved parent to your husband’s children and hopefully you will. However, you may be surprised to learn which factors can increase the likelihood of that outcome and which can erode it.

Let’s start with the bad news: Children don’t want extra parents no matter how nice they may be. A child wants his mother and father. Stepkids, when corrected or confronted by a stepparent, will often say something to the effect of, “You can’t tell me what to do, you aren’t my real mother!” They feel this way even if their real mother isn’t alive.

A child knows that he has one real mother and one real father and that someone else claiming to be his parent is some sort of imposter or fraud. Of course, he’s very wrong about this; the person who is feeding him, clothing him, driving him, taking him to the doctor, studying with him, gifting him, nurturing him through health and illness and otherwise “parenting” him, is, in fact, an authentic parent raising a child. Nonetheless, many children feel an allegiance to their two biological parents and simply will not embrace a third or fourth parent. This isn’t necessarily a conscious decision on their part; it is more of an instinct — a feeling beyond their intentional control.